just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
