After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
how does that bad decision feel?
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