Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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