I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
