I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
