I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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