Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
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