College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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