Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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