I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
