While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
