I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
