just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
