Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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