Having a random hookup so left but love u
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
