I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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