the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
