This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
