i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
