i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
