I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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