A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
