Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
