i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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