I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
