I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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