Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
