and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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