how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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