help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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