A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
farters have to be the big spoon...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
