handjob tips. give me some.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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