shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize