Your tits are I can't wait for
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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