Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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