Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize