I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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