You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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