I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
