two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
