i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Randomize
