i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
she peed on how many people?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Randomize
