Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
