and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
vagina is talking i cant
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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