Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
