i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
