I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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