My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I wear drunk well.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
