His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
