I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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