That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I want her autograph on my taint
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Panties = found
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