My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
