i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
