there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
