I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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