You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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