last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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