I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
