So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
