a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
