Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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