somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i just google imaged poop.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
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