Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
