Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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